AHH... LOVE

"There are so many questions and to answer all of them is a waste of time. Time should be used to forgive and heal the broken hearts."

Life is indeed full of mysteries... there are moments in our life, even in my own life that i have to show a braved face to the ones i loved, while inside i feel almost like dying.

The funny thing about love and life is that we have to make the best out of everything. But there are things that no matter how hard we tried, it's just not good enough... Patience is a virtue. But how long do we embraced patience when that chain breaks off? how long do we have to endure pains? No, its not arrogance or asking for symphaty... Its just a part of you and me, as human beings.

I myself cries a lot. Not thru eyes but thru my heart... and sometimes, that heart swells because of so much pain. and though we have forgiven, it does not mean that we have forgotten. Heart will heal but the memory will live on...

"Love is such a mystery. You wait to find it and you fight to keep it. But i certainly know that in the end, it will all be worth it. Love doesn't take work. The relationship does." -Lywyllyn Lee

"In pain comes healing, but in between - there's only mourning." -Lywyllyn Lee

ACHILLES HEEL

Being too much... doing too much... always ends at the wrong track.

I always tell myself that i'm unique, different... but sometimes i can't help but to compare myself to other people. Why do i give too much when there is nothing left in me? Why do i question myself if i already knew the answer to it... or maybe i never really found the right answer...

Am i too patient? too forgiving? too kind? too compassionate? or am i too stupid? or ungallant?

How does it affect my life? Am i happy with what i have?

I work because i enjoy working. career ladder, promotion, increment are nothing to me if i do not enjoy what i'm doing. People closed to me, never really understood my way of thinking. For me, It is more important that i have that sense of attachment with the environment i work for; sense of belonging...

But life goes on and things changes like 4 seasons, and before you know it, you felt that strange emptiness in your heart, that sense of belongingness is missing, somewhere... that you just do your work because it is your job and not because you enjoy doing it. maybe there are reasons why a sudden changed of heart... if you feel you are being used to the utmost level and still do nothing... not asking if its still okay... if its still alright...

I have this roller coaster feeling going on for 1year and 8months already. and all those months, ived been asking myself, why am i still here? colleagues who came in and out, and i'm still here... there are moments that i wish they will cease my contract instead of me leaving them. sometimes, i can no longer envision myself, passing that resignation letter... am i that really weak to stand up for myself?

And now, another colleague came up to tell me that she wants it "quits" after 2 1/2months, she just can't take it anymore. and i was left dumbfound... asking her why?... so soon? and she just said: "hello, ayokong pumangit noh!" and like everybody else, i asked her why is it easy for her or to others to just do it when they felt they dont want to continue anymore. if they can do it, why can't i?

I should be happy and celebrating, today is my 4yrs in this company, but i cant. i feel incomplete... and to add more pain... what would you feel if someone will tell you... its my 4yrs of long suffering... it is not true, maybe things are different now, but i was happy and contented before... but yeah, that was before...

I feel so down... i feel so helpless... it seems that everything is back to square one. i have bountiful of encouragements from my family & friends, too much; that i can use it as my strength to move on. ahh, one person dear to my heart told me: "if the only reason that keeps you staying is not there anymore, why stay back? they are giving you a living but not a life. you worry too much for them, but they never worry about you. you have given everything and you have proven your worth but sometimes, the best way is to just dont care. did you know that stress can kill? i just can't imagine you thinking of the same problem when there are other things more important than that. its okay to be fair and show compassion to others, but you also have to be fair to yourself, give yourself a break. live your life."

and another friend told me: "How i wish that sometimes, you will close your eyes and your ears to all the stimulants around you, so you would have a clearer mind to help you in your hard times."

How i wish i can say enough and i dont care. but my heart says it is not easy and it makes me feel deficient. This is me... my weakness... my Achilles heel... and until i find the right answer to my questions... i simply have to be myself.

"It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about." -Dale Carnegie

FALLING STAR

A true friend is like star from the sky... its brightness will never wilt, will never die.

Does meeting new friends cost you to lose one? Seneca, the great roman philosopher said: "One of the most beautiful qualities of a true friendship is to understand and be understood"... And one friend reminded me that: " Patience is a virtue."

You try to understand your friend no matter how complicated they can be at times because your friendship is what its all about, to understand each other's feelings... thoughts... atittude... soul... You try to be patient, because to be patient is to understand... If there is no response, how long must you have to take, to hold on with that patience? What happens when the string that binds you breaks off? What if only one of you strives to tie up that string, so you could continue being friends? What if there is no response from the other side of the rope though you know that your friend can hear you.. can feel you?

Does long silence meant as a sign? If you hear only but depth silence, would you let go?... Is it the right thing to do? Is it worth keeping? is it worth fighting?... I am confused... and hurt... in spite of this, i still try to understand... but i also wished to be understood. am i wrong? am i selfish? am i shallow?

Is this kind of friendship that is come & go, like falling stars? For a while, i thought its a friendship for keeps... for life... for ever... could it be a falling star that will fade once it touches the ground? If it is, now i have come to understand, our friendship is now a shooting star... a falling star...

"Friendship is always a sweet responsibility; never an opportunity." -Kahlil Gibran

"Do not save your loving speeches for your friends till they are dead; do not write them on their tombstones, speak them rather now instead." -Anna Cummins

"And Pooh said to Piglet: "Life is so much friendlier with two." - A.A. Milne

"The friendship that can cease has never been real." - Saint Jerome

"A real friend is the one who walks in and when the rest of the world walks out." -Walter Winchell