ACHILLES HEEL

Being too much... doing too much... always ends at the wrong track.

I always tell myself that i'm unique, different... but sometimes i can't help but to compare myself to other people. Why do i give too much when there is nothing left in me? Why do i question myself if i already knew the answer to it... or maybe i never really found the right answer...

Am i too patient? too forgiving? too kind? too compassionate? or am i too stupid? or ungallant?

How does it affect my life? Am i happy with what i have?

I work because i enjoy working. career ladder, promotion, increment are nothing to me if i do not enjoy what i'm doing. People closed to me, never really understood my way of thinking. For me, It is more important that i have that sense of attachment with the environment i work for; sense of belonging...

But life goes on and things changes like 4 seasons, and before you know it, you felt that strange emptiness in your heart, that sense of belongingness is missing, somewhere... that you just do your work because it is your job and not because you enjoy doing it. maybe there are reasons why a sudden changed of heart... if you feel you are being used to the utmost level and still do nothing... not asking if its still okay... if its still alright...

I have this roller coaster feeling going on for 1year and 8months already. and all those months, ived been asking myself, why am i still here? colleagues who came in and out, and i'm still here... there are moments that i wish they will cease my contract instead of me leaving them. sometimes, i can no longer envision myself, passing that resignation letter... am i that really weak to stand up for myself?

And now, another colleague came up to tell me that she wants it "quits" after 2 1/2months, she just can't take it anymore. and i was left dumbfound... asking her why?... so soon? and she just said: "hello, ayokong pumangit noh!" and like everybody else, i asked her why is it easy for her or to others to just do it when they felt they dont want to continue anymore. if they can do it, why can't i?

I should be happy and celebrating, today is my 4yrs in this company, but i cant. i feel incomplete... and to add more pain... what would you feel if someone will tell you... its my 4yrs of long suffering... it is not true, maybe things are different now, but i was happy and contented before... but yeah, that was before...

I feel so down... i feel so helpless... it seems that everything is back to square one. i have bountiful of encouragements from my family & friends, too much; that i can use it as my strength to move on. ahh, one person dear to my heart told me: "if the only reason that keeps you staying is not there anymore, why stay back? they are giving you a living but not a life. you worry too much for them, but they never worry about you. you have given everything and you have proven your worth but sometimes, the best way is to just dont care. did you know that stress can kill? i just can't imagine you thinking of the same problem when there are other things more important than that. its okay to be fair and show compassion to others, but you also have to be fair to yourself, give yourself a break. live your life."

and another friend told me: "How i wish that sometimes, you will close your eyes and your ears to all the stimulants around you, so you would have a clearer mind to help you in your hard times."

How i wish i can say enough and i dont care. but my heart says it is not easy and it makes me feel deficient. This is me... my weakness... my Achilles heel... and until i find the right answer to my questions... i simply have to be myself.

"It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about." -Dale Carnegie